The Ninth Street Center Infrequently Asked Questions

Should I compromise with my lover?

It always disturbs me when I hear that lovers need to compromise with each other to get along. As a person who values ethics above all, I always wonder why some process can't be used to deal with conflicts other than "compromise".

I think that with relatively unimportant relationships, such as I have in "the marketplace", compromise is quickly effective. I offer $5 but the vendor wants $7 so I give him $6. No big deal. But how about if my lover wants me to go to church with him and I am an atheist? Do I bow my head and pray — but just not mean it? Does he agree never ever to mention God in our conversations — even though he needs to? Both aspects of this "solution" would undermine the person doing the compromising and leave the well poisoned.

I think a better image to deal with lover conflicts is the process of scientific discovery — or indeed any sort of discovery. Both parties need to visit and revisit the issue, teasing apart its various elements, and trying to learn not only about the issue, but about the reasons they had habitually taken a stand which causes such friction.

If I believe that Ben Franklin was born on February 7 and my lover believes that he was born on February 13, do we "agree to agree" upon Febuary 10? That would be absurd, yet that is exactly what is often meant by "compromise". Far better to discover the truth by doing a little research. Or, if the date isn't well-documented, we might decide that having an opinion on this matter is pointless.

Disagreements about what's right can also be explored in a way analogous to disagreements about what's true — by trial and error.

CONCLUSION: If we compromise with a lover we learn nothing and demean our own integrity. If we enter into a process of discovering the truth and reaching for the right, we further each other's growth and make more valuable and lasting our relationship.