The Ninth Street Center: Nick Cirabisi

*DEAN:*	How did you first meet Paul, and what were your first impressions of him?
*NICK:*	When I first met Paul, I didn't talk with him personally. He was running a group at the time. Although I didn't understand much of what he and other Center members were saying, I felt excited and quite at home with the place. I think Paul was responsible for the atmosphere that brought out the best in people. I remember feeling like he could help and understand me, if I had access to him.
*DEAN:*	Relate the history of your relationship.
*NICK:*	It wasn't until a couple of years later that I approached him for counseling. We decided to become lovers instead. I'm not certain about dates. I have a painting which I made when I first moved in which dates 1976. Paul told me right from the start, "I'll show you what it means to have someone putting his love to work for you." With time, Paul helped me control the fears and horrors that I was having with the world. Basically, he taught me how to first recognize recklessness, then replace recuperating from it with a healthier, quieter lifestyle. It wasn't easy, but I was determined to find alternatives to the crazy world that I was coming from. At one point I recall Paul telling me that I looked like a lion pacing his cage to be set free. But I also remember how good it felt to find new saner ways of dealing with the restlessness and gray periods. I turned to hobbies. Hobbies took on a new experience for me. I wasn't losing myself in them, as I did when I lived with my parents. With Paul around, my hobbies felt unpressured and delightfully useless. I didn't have my father standing over me telling me I should be making money with all these talents of mine. These simple and safe projects replaced my reckless ones.
*DEAN:*	Paul shared his growth process with you. What was that like?
*NICK:*	Paul worked on his problems up to the day he died. Despite his ill health he remained a growing person. When he was exhausted and his pride became brittle, his temper would often flair. He didn't like himself much at times like this. I remember him saying, "I'm very difficult at times, aren't I?" His depth of love is what made my endurance of his problems so easy. Whatever the problem, disagreement or confrontation, I never seriously questioned his love for me. That would have just been masochistic on my part. It was just beyond question and very obvious because of all he was doing for me. He told me that his focus on me was what was keeping him alive. All I know for certain was that it was very important that I use him; and god knows I needed just that. As well as learning to care for my own mental health and becoming my own therapist, I wanted to care for Paul also. This was another learning experience for me. I wasn't sure how. What I found worked best was taking care of myself first, so that I was clear-headed enough to see what was needed in front of me. Because of his health problems, there were times when my attempted caring turned into obsessive worry. He was quick to point out that it didn't help things any. For the most part we were ordinary together. Staying surface was good for both of us. He told me that I helped him remain in the here and now, which seemed important to him. The thing that I was so happy to learn early on in the relationship was that Paul didn't know all the answers and felt just as awkward as I. That's what it was all about I guess. We learned and grew together.
*DEAN:*	Do you feel you may be able to further his work in any way?
*NICK:*	Yes. A couple of weeks before he died, he told me, "Now you'll help someone else, as I've helped you." At the time he said it, I didn't want to think about it. I realize now the insight behind his words. While I'm not feminine and make a poor teacher, I am still able to have influence in my mate Ross's life as well as with my friends. My actions and experiences have the potential of leading Ross closer to reaching his personal growth goals. When Paul expressed his love for me and other masculines, I feel it's these qualities that he was getting off on. He liked seeing his work furthered. Namely, through his students' development.
*DEAN:*	Do you think Paul's work is important to the world at large?
*NICK:*	Definitely. I was in a taxi one day. The driver was getting off on the women he was passing (and sharing all the oohs and ahs with me, unfortunately). I noticed his objects of affection were getting younger and younger as we drove on. After we passed a thirteen-year-old he said, "You know, it's really awful how some men go after very young children! . . . tsk, disgusting, isn't it?" He sounded a little confused to me. I responded with, "Well, people just don't realize that that's what masturbation is for. You can beat off and fantasize anything. Just don't live it all." He agreed enthusiastically. When we came to my destination, he ran out and opened the door for me. He had the biggest grin on his face (and I thought a look of relief). He shook my hand and thanked me. It's very evident to me how a greater understanding of truth and right are needed in the world. I think Paul stood for sanity, and the world needs it.
*DEAN:*	Do you think Paul has changed the potential importance of psychology in the life of the average man?
*NICK:*	No, not really. Not yet anyway. I still see people searching, even after coming to the Center, reading Paul's books, or attending the groups. I see many settle for magic and miracles, and others taking more conventionally rewarding paths. Someday his teachings may hold a real place in the average man's life, but for now, all I can see is a small handful putting it to use. I'm glad to see some of the old ways dying out in the conventional world. The shrink telling the horizontal patient about penis envy, for example, wouldn't likely be as tolerated today as before. But as far as I've heard, Paul's work hasn't been used anywhere but the Center. I've learned that people were being dissatisfied with conventional psychology for as long as I can remember. That doesn't mean that they can incorporate Paul's work into their lives. Those same people could be just as satisfied turning to EST, political options, church, bingo, or Club Med rather than his work. I've given up trying to sell Paul to "serious sounding" people. I'm not a salesman and I'm not getting paid to do the Phil Donahue show. It's just too useful a tool in my life to bastardize it that way.
*DEAN:*	What kind of contribution do you want to make to the task of bringing a better world into existence?
*NICK:*	That question always brings me back to my own growth process. I'm satisfied to work at making my own world a better place to live in. If it has a rippling effect, great. If it doesn't, I still have my world. For me, it's the little baby steps that I take to grow which work best. A SMALL STEP FOR MAN, A GIANT LEAP FOR MAN'S MIND. Well, it works for me.